“Real MOM”

I’ve been a “real” mom for 4 years now. My daughter just had a birthday a few weeks ago.

My family lives in the world of bio, step, half, and real. I don’t agree with this but it’s something that was set in place a long time ago by my husband’s ex. Because of the rules she put in place years ago I will refer to her as bio mom, especially when referring to the early years.

I never wanted to be called mom by my step daughter to replace her “real” mom. I wanted to be an additional mother figure to her. A safe place, a friend, a source of trust and security.

Even after marrying my husband there was still a struggle with even getting the step title added to my name. I will forever be known by my first name. Which is fine, except my stepdaughter can’t even give me a nickname of her choice. She tried this years ago and bio mom made a huge deal about her giving me a nickname. Bio mom wants as much distance as possible between us. She doesn’t want my stepdaughter to have any relationship with me. The baby sitters at bio mom’s house used to have more connections then I was allowed. My stepdaughter couldn’t even say my name or mention my side of the family while with her mom.

It took a long time for me and my husband to realize bio mom can’t have that much control over us.

My biggest fear was that once I became a mom my own children wouldn’t call me mom and only call me by my first name because of this extreme tension that was caused over my name. I never once tried to replace her real mom. All I ever wanted was for my stepdaughter to trust me and someone she could always go to, as she got older.

The thing I always found funny, that her step dad was allowed all kinds of nicknames. She would even call him dad sometimes. In bio moms house he is referred to as dad, even though he isn’t bio dad, my husband is. This “name” did help her half brothers call him the correct name of dad. The half brothers have also always been referred to as brothers, full blown brothers to her, not half. Which I’m all for. My stepdaughter should feel her family is a larger whole. But as I became a real mom of my own biological kids there was words being used at that house that her sisters aren’t really her siblings. They aren’t really her sisters, because bio mom wasn’t their mom, I am. It took a lot of discussion on my part with my stepdaughter to explain how the brothers were the same as her sisters at our house. That the brothers and sisters each share 1 of her biological parents and 1 step parent. It has nothing to do with the just the mom.

When my husband and I started dating every excuse bio mom ever gave for her seniority over my husband was that she’s the mom. Kids need their mom. Blah blah blah mom is the only import thing in a kids life.

The ex always would say to us that once I became a real mom and had my own kids I would understand. Understand why she says and does the things she does. How special that mother daughter relationship is.

Every time she would say these things to me it would remind me that I would never treat my children the ways she does. I would never push my feelings onto my kids. Never make them feel they have to have the same feelings as I do towards people. I would always tell them they are allowed to feel they way they do. That my children are important. Just because I don’t like something, doesn’t mean they can’t like it. All bio mom has ever done was try to push her feelings onto her own daughter. Tried to turn her against us because she can’t self reflect enough to know she should put her kids first. Make them feel loved and safe. And that the more loving people in a child’s life the better. The more people to support a child is a great thing.

Because of this thing called self reflection, my kids don’t know I don’t like bio mom, that I don’t trust her. They are allowed to like her and know she’s my stepdaughter mom. And even though I don’t like it, she is family.

Having a title is more important to bio mom then actions that actually show love. A parent isn’t defined by a title of mother or father, last names, or by blood. It’s defined by the commitment and love. You earn that title by showing up, comforting them, and always supporting them.

Separation or divorce doesn’t have to divide a family and have a negative impact on a child’s life. It only turns negative if you, the parent allows it to be that way.